[Stann]

Except this time it's an article I read rather than a long drunken rant of my own.

http://www.filmsfora...l-men-of-touch/

I'm really unable to use words to describe how reading this made me feel. Many, many times over my life I've wanted to reach out and comfort someone, but just the thought itself of physically touching someone (outside of a romantic or sexual context) makes me nervous. I guess I know why now.

I highly recommend that everyone read it.

[Laith]

This is a very interesting article.

To be quite honest, in my case, I've always felt that touching someone could develop or form some sort of intimate atmosphere, whether it be romantically, sexually, or just a very intimate moment with a friend or anyone who needs that little pat in the back, or that long-lasting hug. And I'm terrified of that intimacy, because I interpret it as leaving myself open to get hurt.

While it's not necessarily the same as what was described in the article, I believe both stem from the same cultural bullshit we're all exposed to: men touching other men is described as homosexual, and therefore, not quite openly accepted, or just the simple fact of a man getting emotional and wanting to hug someone, when this cultural viewpoint implicitly and explicitly leaves us clear that men who do that are weak. Sexual taboos, "rape culture", religious beliefs... All accomplices to leaving us out of our emotional needs, the hugs we need, the pats we deserve... subsequently leading us to grow up without those things that every human being needs: affection. While it can be expressed in several ways, physical contact is one of the most basic forms, and no one should be deprived of it (just as the article says how it affects and helps our socio-cognitive development.)

Yet, I still find it easier to comfort women. Society plays great part in it, because even when we realize this and try to go for it, they try to shun us out in numerous ways. We do have an active role in this though, and we have a choice to do something. I try to hug my friends whenever they feel bad, but I'm still working hard on it because I really don't do it often... I honestly don't even remember when was the last time I actually wanted someone to hug me. This thought alone makes me rather sad.

[Stann]

Laith, the next time you're with someone you care about and can trust, ask them for a hug. Not because you need it, or because you think they need it, but just because it's a wonderful thing. It makes me feel better even if I'm already feeling fine. I've also been trying to do it more often, but as you say it takes work.

[auraplatonic]

I will start off saying that as usual I will probably stray off topic a bit...I found this an interesting read but I don't know if I can really comment on the substance of the article because I am far from an expert on the subject...I can only speak from my personal experience.

I don't like to touch others that much or be touched unless I am close to that person emotionally whether it be a family member or a partner. I am not ashamed to hug or touch someone I am close to. With all that being said....

I do prefer to try to get emotionally closer to a woman than a man. But I have 3 boys and I am close to my father, so its not like I'm trying to avoid touching men. I am very cautious to trust anyone in that way, I am very guarded and I would teach my children to be the same way. Not to be ashamed of anything or to think there was something wrong with touching a male but that in general you should "tough it up". I would teach my daughter the same thing(if I had one), because I firmly believe the only person you can truly rely on in the end is yourself.

Of course we should try to have people we are really close to whether it be male or female but I have found the best way to personally cope with the disappointment of being betrayed by a friend or family member is to try to rely on myself as much as possible. I still do rely on people and I will also teach my children that it is ok to ask others for help or rely on others but to understand that to depend on someone too much is a bad idea and in the end we should always try to make sure we can take care of ourselves and after we do that is when we can be the best person we can do ourselves and others.

To get back on topic I should end with a personal note. I was bi-curious for a long time and then after having an experience with a guy I realized at that point that I was very much straight. When I was in my teens and early twenties(before that experience) and I had a male friend I was always afraid that when I was being friendly to them that they would somehow "see through me" so to speak. Which in retrospect is funny because I was never actually attracted to the male figure...but regardless I was worried that they might think I was.

[elchupateta]

Agreed 100% that this is damaging. I have also seen this is specific to the USA. When outside the US (in this instance in Costa Rica) I noticed that there is not as much of the "don't get near me, fag" mentality. There are bro hugs and even cheek kisses between men and NO ONE LOOKS AT THEM WEIRD. Substitute the above sentence in the states with women and it's the same deal: no one cares. It would be nice if this particular strain of homophobia would die out before the American men do...

[Madsiur]

Great read!

On a side note, social constructs can favor homophobic behaviors. Culture and Entertainment industry in general tend to show strong male stereotypes and at the opposite exaggerated gay stereotypes. The latter likes to touch every man in a sensual way and the former only gives chest hits when marking a touchdown and will only touch his girlfriend. Those stereotypes favor homophobic acts and are empowered by other spheres like sports and religion.

[BTB]

I hug my male friends all the time, because I'm just as grateful to have them as my female friends.

I... really don't have anything to say beyond that.

[Valenhil]

I am Brazilian. And here, physical contact is the norm. People greet each other with cheek kisses, in some places twice, hug each other all the time even for no reason, and always do some other minor gestures like keeping a hand on someone's shoulder. Refusing this physical contact generally make you look like a jerk.

However, I think it still applies. The cheek kiss is only between men and women, or two women. With two men, it's weird. The hugging is different: When a woman is involved, it's usually a regular embrace, but between men there's stuff like forceful pats on the back or a "half hug" from a handshake. Back in high school, you'd see boys resting their heads on a girl's lap all the time, but never another boy's. Even the admittedly gay ones.

My own experience shows another angle, though. I am bisexual, and infamously averse to physical contact with EITHER gender. But only this "friendly" type of physical contact, not romantic.

So maybe I'm just tired of the banality of it. Of getting hugged and kissed and whatnot but its only meaning is checking off another box in the "courtesy" list.

[Hart-Hunt]

Yeah, it's true that we have more affectious gestures like often greeting each other with hugs or cheek kisses. But in the end, at least in Argentina, we're still encapsulated in the post-modern paradigm of "Men must be manly". Even though South America, as far as I know is pretty accepting when it comes to homosexuals, at least more than in the US / Europe. I think, anyway.

Luckily, I've had a group of 3 best friends since my adolescent days. When I broke up with my ex last year, I wasn't hanging with them for like 2 years, and in all of my other social groups I felt like I'd be excluded or looked weird if I tried to open myself to them. Half a year later, for diverse circumstances all four of us started to hang out together again, and at the very first night we hung out, they offered me ears to resolve everything I needed. Had I not had that chance, I wouldn't be like this right now.

My personal advice - If you even slightly notice someone around you needs a friendly ear, tell the explicitly that you want to hear them, and do so if the opporitunity arises. And if they don't want to share their problems right away, you'll still have done a lot of good to that person, showing them that there are people in this world you can talk to.

Stann, you're a bro for posting these threads. Love you man.

[Kjata]

I don't find it homophobic to not want to be touched in the way you describe. I don't want to be touched at all by anyone except people I find attractive. That sorta sounds contradictory, so I will elaborate.

I don't want to be touched in any way by men of any kind, my mother, my sister, etc. I would prefer if you didn't touch me at all.

Unless I'm drunk. In which case, I'll fucking hug you whenever, and probably grab your ass (whoever you are).

[Laith]

What Kjata said (most of it) applies to my "I find it easier to comfort women", since it mostly applies to women I feel attracted to. I'd rather not be touched by anyone, especially a stranger (I once had this supervisor who grabbed me by the hand to take me somewhere, and a few days later I told her calmly that it bothered me, she instantly assumed I was sexually abused and justified herself for it, talk about freakin' lousy psychologists.)

I think I try to do it more often because sometimes I'm seen as cold or distant, and while that's not entirely true because my closest friends know that I support them no matter what but without all the touchy-feely stuff, I'm not sure I want to be seen that way. Plus the apparent perks of feeling a hug, I guess.

But usually, I'd rather not be touched by anyone, unless it's a girl I'm attracted to. This doesn't change much when I'm drunk, but there are exceptions.