Insane Difficulty: Men of Insane Difficulty, it's okay to feel down - Insane Difficulty

Don't be a fucking pussy. What are you, a woman? Man the fuck up. Stop crying you little bitch. Oh look, the little girl got his feelings hurt. MAN THE FUCK UP. You wanna cry? Go do it somewhere else. You fucking pansy, go run to your momma. Be a god damned man! Men aren't supposed to show their emotions. Crying is for girls. STOP CRYING YOU LITTLE BITCH. MAN THE FUCK UP. Go hit the gym, lift weights and get over this shit. Your girlfriend left you? Deal with it. I don't want to have to deal with this shit, get over it. Just fucking get over it. MAN THE FUCK UP!!

If you were born with XY chromosomes, you've heard all this shit before. In fact, you've probably heard it over and over again since you were the age of, what, six? Seven? All your life all you've been told is that you shouldn't express your emotions when you're feeling hurt or depressed. You should swallow it all, bottle it up and ignore it. Bottle it up until it eats away at you, suppress these feelings until they drag you down. You shouldn't be feeling them at all, right? Men are rational, women are emotional. Men deal with their emotions by ignoring them, it's women who deal with them by expressing them. It's women who need a friend's shoulder to cry on. A real man's friend will go out and get drunk with you, so you can forget all the shit that's eating away at you.

Well guess what? That's all horseshit. We're all human beings, we all have emotions. A real friend will be your shoulder to cry on. A real friend won't judge you for feeling like shit. A real friend won't judge you for crying, that's how we deal with pain, sadness, and remorse. Holding all these feelings inside and ignoring them only makes them worse. If you're feeling down, don't be afraid to show it.

And you know what's the worst part about this whole shitshow? It's not just men who look down on other men who express their pain and sorrow. Almost everyone does it. Even the women who were told from a young age that it's okay to cry in front of your friends look down on men who do it. For some reason, our gender is expected to not show our feelings when we're feeling like shit. It's a complete and utter farce. It's completely and utterly unfair, and it's about time it came to a fucking stop.



There's a lot being said these days about gender equality, and I totally get it. Men have it easier by far when it comes to our place in society and how we're viewed by it. But the gender divide isn't so clean cut. We have to deal with so much shit through our lives, stereotypical views of masculinity and all that shit. We can't show weakness, we can't show hurt, we can't show pain. We have to be strong, because that's what a real man is. A real man is strong, impervious, immune to things that affect the weaker gender. I'd find it fucking hilarious if it weren't so depressing.

So, my fellow dudes, don't feel ashamed. If you're feeling down, depressed, hurt, sad, don't feel less because of it. Don't feel like it makes you less of a REAL MAN. Don't buy into that shit. Go ahead and cry if you're feeling down. If your friend is feeling down, don't look down on him, give him a hug and tell him that everything's going to be okay.

And to the women who've made it this far into my insane rant: I've talked to women about this kind of thing, and I've heard the general responses they give. The most common complaint I hear is "When I finally get my guy friend/boyfriend/husband/significant other to open up to me, it's like the flood gates open and they just pour out everything at once. Too much all at once. Too overwhelming." Well, here's my simple advice: We've been keeping all this shit inside for so many years, of course it's all going to come crashing out at the first sign that someone's willing to listen. When we finally feel like someone will listen without judging, that someone cares enough to help us through this shit, we don't expect anyone to just fix everything all at once. All we really want is someone to be there for us, to not judge us, to give us a hug and tell us that everything will be okay. We don't get it from our guy friends, we don't get it from our female friends, we just want it from the one person that's special to us. If you feel overwhelmed by it all, just take a step back and realize that this person you care for is hurting deeply, and all they really want is an emotional anchor to latch on to. We don't expect you to make everything better, just to listen.

And I guess this is where I stop ranting. I've just been feeling really down lately, and pissed off at the culture that breeds this kind of insensitive bullshit. I just felt like pouring my heart out in the one place that I really feel like home; and yes, I am a little drunk; and yes, I've been crying the whole time I've been writing this post. And I don't feel ashamed for it in the slightest. Anyone who really knows me, and there are a few of you out there without naming names, knows that I don't buy into this masculinity bullshit.

So guys, really, express yourselves. Yeah, there are people out there who will look down on you for being a fucking human being, but I'm not one of them. And I hope that I've made a good enough argument to show you that you shouldn't be one of them either. And above all, be excellent to each other.

I have nothing to add. This is wonderful.

Right when I started reading, I was actually thinking about how not only some men but also some women look down upon men who express their emotions. I'm glad you got to that point further on.

It's not only about men having a cultural upperhand in various things, but we're also discriminated where it counts: how we feel. Not only that, but women who support this emotional repression are also supporting such gender roles to the extent in which they're even discriminating themselves. What do we get in the end? Domestic violence, sexual abuse, rape, murder, among other things, where men are statistically the most convicted. So, when do we actually get to pour out all this?

Some of us might be lucky enough to have an environment with friends and family who are supportive, which makes it less annoying to deal with cultural points of view about this. But what about the men who don't have such environment? Some might pull through, and say "fuck it", and cry anyway. But most are just caught in this black hole of suppression that's unnatural to any human being.

All it takes is for them to make a choice, some would say. But being human means being susceptible to culture and society, one way or the other. It will wear you out, frustrate you, you might even do things that are not condoned by society, including suicide. This is not the only reason of course, but it's part of it. We breed these monsters without knowing.

This needs to stop, sometime.

Laith, on 15 January 2016 - 08:41 AM, said:

Laith, on 15 January 2016 - 08:41 AM, said:

Just to be clear: while I agree that this sort of emotional repression can lead to such things, it's no excuse for that behaviour. If your only escape from this pain that we all feel is to hurt others, you don't belong in our society. You deserve to be excommunicated, exiled, banished without a trace. If the only way you can cope with this crushing anguish is to lash out at others, you don't deserve the right to interact with other people.

Our society has evolved into a mutual sort of contract where we all agree to at least try to get along, and if we can't, then to at least not hurt each other. I feel for those who don't have anyone to help them along in their darkest struggles, but violence is never the answer.

Isaac Asimov said:

Yeah, I agree. I did not mean to say it was justified, but it still happens, and it's predictable to an extent. However, we are still pretty much immature and stupid as a race, and we don't do anything to stop it.

This is a pretty interesting topic. In the end I think it really boils down to the person. I chose not to share my feelings of pain or sadness for different reasons. If culture pushed me to not be that expressive about my feelings I am happy for it. I just don't feel that boiling up inside of me in general. I used to though...I was in a bad relationship where I really disliked the situation but I put up with it and would end up blowing up and getting into big fights every so often. I was miserable but in the end I faced the situation and did what made me happy. Ever since then I have been very different overall. Much calmer, happier. I still don't feel the need to show my cards most of the time but the difference is I face what situations need faced when I need to, in the end I feel like I just grew up.

I guess you could say I teach my kids to "man up" so to speak, not in the way to where they shouldn't express their feelings, but in the way that they have to understand there are things you can't control, situations where you are going to be unhappy, but you have to press on. Not because you are a man, because that's life. There is a difference in that and in what you are talking about I guess but that's my take on it. I have to be honest though, there is a such thing as unreasonable sadness or to more of an extent, to use a more rude term, being a crybaby.

Who am I to call someone's feelings unreasonable you ask? If my son throws a fit over a toy, of course I understand their feelings, but it is unreasonable for them to act that way in that situation. I try to teach them to be able to talk about their problem, and if you need to cry its ok to cry, but to scream, or go crazy, or to take it out on other people, that is not the right way to handle the situation. So I would definitely say I encourage my kids to express themselves...although I guess it's only natural that since I tend to be reserved when it comes to expressing myself that would come out in my parenting as well. As with everything though I think balance is important.

My reasons for not expressing myself are that I feel as though I don't need to, and I would be more anxious if I did most of the time. Although I very much do when it's appropriate, or when i'm drunk lol. I don't feel like it effects my life in a negative way not to, its just how I tend to approach situations. I can't really address any of the cultural arguements, I mean I get them but maybe its being overanalyzed a bit. Society and culture definitely have influence, but I was in that same culture and society and I made a different choice, so it is very possible for others to make those choices as well. Of course everyone is different so maybe I am just blowing hot air

This is just a small first thought on the topic while I am at work..maybe I will have more to add later.

During your relationship, you held all your feelings inside until they blew up and you got into a big argument. Sounds like the exact thing I'm talking about. And if you only feel comfortable sharing your feelings while drunk, when alcohol suppresses your normal inhibitions, I think you've kind of reinforced my point.

I appreciate the feedback, but all I'm seeing is the product of what I'm talking about.

Stann, on 15 January 2016 - 10:08 AM, said:

Only to a small extent. I feel like the premise that you are explaining is overblown at least for me. It is natural for most of us to have inhibitions, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Having an inhibition to be embarassed to sing in front of others except when you are drunk is alot different than holding down all of your pain and frustration to the point that it makes you miserable, this being the result of society and culture discouraging you from expressing your sadness because of your sex.

Even when I held in my emotions from the last relationship, I didn't do it because I felt like I had to man up. I was trying to deal with the problem and I thought I could cope with what was bothering me and it was obvious that I could not. I didn't feel like less of a man because I couldn't. I finally realized it was the wrong course of action and I did what was best for myself and I will never do that again.

All that being said, this is just my personal experience and I can't with good conscience say that means that everyone should be able to do what I can do. I 100% agree this is a conversation we should have and I only hope that my spin on it helps people see a bit of a different perspective.

EDIT: I was just thinking...Advent should be happy, I am actually taking a stance on this one

I should really add because I think it is appropriate to say that I had a few sessions with a psychiatrist that really helped me in this regard. I do alot of self reflections and I feel like I have alot of self awareness but there were things that were hard for me to grasp, and having a professional to talk to really helped.

I say this because if you have those feelings, and you can't express them, or if you just need someone to talk to, there is always someone out there. I know it helped me at least.

In the end my arguement is going to end up being that I agree with there being a problem with the things Stann is saying, but I don't think the reasons for the problem are exactly the same or to the same degree as it being argued.

On a tangentially related topic, I'm pretty sure fish don't have a word for water.

auraplatonic, on 15 January 2016 - 10:29 AM, said:

And psychiatrists are specially trained in this regard, to not judge people for sharing their deepest feelings and fears. It's basically their job. My point was that society at large does the opposite. My point was that people should be more accepting of others expressing their feelings, especially their friends.

I'm getting the feeling that you're misconstruing my argument while agreeing with what I'm actually saying.

As a woman, I don't like feeling emotional for any reason. Why? Because it's basically the floodgates for people to be abusive towards you. "Oh, this makes you mad? time to do it more...." I wish I had the ability to not feel upset about it when people treat me like shit.

I can't say I don't disagree with this, but why, oh why was this the first thing I thought of after I read that?



And really, it requires more guts to actually cry in public as a man than it does to act like something doesn't bother you.

Honestly, I just take things at face value for a person's behavior. If they're crying, fine, but please let me know why. The only time I have a problem with displaying emotions is if when you ask about it, they basically tell you to get lost, and I don't mean "I don't really feel like talking about it right now."

Alright, now that I'm sober and have had a couple hours of sleep, I'd just like to reiterate the point of my rant. It seems my message didn't come across as I'd hoped, which may be the cause of AP's disagreement.

I'm not saying that everyone should deal with their feelings by expressing them. I'm not saying that if you don't you're deficient or inferior in some way (Hell, society will tell you the opposite without you even asking.) If you feel like you can deal with your issues yourself, well, everyone's different.

What I am saying is that if you feel like you need to let your feelings show to deal with them, don't be ashamed to. If your friend feels the need to open up to you and show you how much they're hurting, don't look down on them. That's all.

What you are actually talking about is being kind instead of being nice. And I fully agree.

A nice person hides - or better said tries to hide - his/her feelings as good as possible. Because they mainly want to be accepted by the others and solely act out of the fear not to upset the others and therefore getting not accepted.

A kind person, however, CAN express feeling when they feel the need for it coming from themselves (instead of what society dictates).

Stann, I fucking love you, man.

Without reading the OP in its entirety, it's come to my attention that some people think this is related to my thread about being a sniveling, whiney bitch in some way.

It's not.

This is a completely different thread, just kind of on a similar note.

Carry on.

Double post. Man the fuck up and get over it, peasants.

Anyway, I agree with pretty much everything in the OP, but I feel I need to draw a proverbial line in the sand.

I think that you should be the kind of person who can express themselves, especially when it's someone you have to deal with every day. The more you bottle negativity up, the worse and worse it gets. And Odin help you if you get into a stressful situation (I'm talking like, the death of a loved one levels of stress here) where you have to deal with that person, because at that point it's very likely you'll turn into a next-level shitbag.

To me, life is too short to keep a lot of this inside after a certain point. It's just not worth it. If I flipped out on someone here, let's say AP for the sake of argument, and he hated me from that point on, my life would not change. I would still be here, I would still have my job, I would still have a roof over my head and food in my belly. Why on earth would I waste my energy keeping it inside? I feel you live a happier life when you're honest and don't waste your time with worthless people. People respect you more for it, too. It might be rough at first, but eventually you'll find yourself surrounded with genuinely good people and not superficial ones who are just trying to use you.

If you wanna keep it inside, I think it's dumb, but I respect your right to do it. Just don't be a fuckin' idiot with it.

Also, on the topic of gender: Stann, from past conversations with you I think we're mostly in agreement, but I'm not quite sure 100% where you stand, brother, so here goes.

I think that when it gets to the point where stuff like this is killing people in droves, it has to stop. There's no fucking reason for it. However, I do see some value in gender roles. I don't think that people should keep it all inside, as I think I've demonstrated quite clearly, or conform 100% to their gender role, but I do think that the male and female gender roles compliment each other quite well. Again, I'm not saying by any stretch that people should conform to archetypes, but I do think there's something to be said for gender roles.

Actually, now that I think about it, I view the alpha male differently than I think most people do. A beta male holds everything inside, not the alpha. Do you know what the distinction is? It's fear. The alpha is free to be who he is, and to hell with everyone else. He'll live his life the way he wants to -- be who he wants to be -- and if people want to try and reject him for it, they can go ahead and try. Fuck 'em.

Just my two cents.

I gonna be honest: my entire life was shit until my sixteen, until then, almost everyday I ask myself things like: why my classmates threat me like that? It's because I'm too much different from them? Or maybe because of my problems?. The thing is, once I reach my eighteen, I learn something important: the people around you tends to have similar or even worse crisis than you, and they prefer to criticize problems rather than remember about their own issues.

auraplatonic, on 15 January 2016 - 10:29 AM, said:

I went kicking and screaming (well, not literally, but at least grumbling) when my seminary training required me to do this. "Why do I need to subject myself to a bunch of psycho-babble?" But man was I wrong about it. It's awesome.