Insane Difficulty: Sorry, I'm Not Sorry (At All) - Insane Difficulty

So, there's been a highly disturbing trend I've noticed for really the past year or two I've been here. It's something that's been slowly but steadily pissing me the fuck off, and I feel now is as good a time as any to address it.

Before I go any further, let me just say that this was inspired by a conversation I had with someone here. This post is not in any way, shape, or form directed at that individual on a personal level. I am addressing the state of mind. Period.

Now, I'm not sure if it's the kind of people our private little grotto attracts or what have you, but there's a prevalent mindset that I see around here more often than I'd like, as I said in the first paragraph. This is a mindset of weakness. A victim mentality. The idea that you're worthless. That you have no one. That your life is awful.

Well, guess what? You are fucking worthless. You are weak. You have no one. Your life is awful, and you are a victim. Do you know why? Because you've told yourself that so many times that it's become the reality. You ignore all evidence that contradicts this, because it runs counter to the narrative your pathetic, useless self has so tirelessly created.

The world is not the problem -- you are. Plain and simple.

For those of you that don't know me, let me tell you where I'm from. I'm a twenty-seven year old male with ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Low Testosterone, and a shitload of depression. Do you have parents? I don't. My Mother died when I was sixteen, and my Father followed her years later.

My autistic brother and I went to live with our grandparents in a new state with so-called "family" that would help look out for us. What a fuckin' joke that was. We took care of our grandparents constantly. They didn't do a fuckin' thing. Now, my grandmother is dead, my grandfather has been put in a home, and that so-called "family" might as well not even exist. It might honestly be better if they didn't. During the eleven years we've been in this state, I was grieving. My Mother was my entire world, so I had to put my identity back together piece by fucking piece. Eventually, a few years back, I got my GED and went to College.

I was two classes away from graduation when a drunk driver pulled out in front of me, putting my grandparents in the hospital with grievous injuries. My grandmother later passed of a complication of old age that was aggravated, but not outright caused by the crash.

So now, I'm forced to drop out of College and get a full-time job so I'm not homeless, all while playing Father to my little brother, dealing with this grief, and all in the span of a few months.

So trust me when I say I know a fucking thing or two about the dark side of the human psyche. I used to be suicidal on a bi-weekly basis. I've dealt with more than my fair share of hardship. I fucking get it.

You have high-functioning autism? Too fucking bad. You're broke? Too fucking bad. You're waiting for that place you volunteered at to hire you even though they said that a fucking year ago? Get fucked, loser.

Stop making fucking excuses. Get your worthless ass up and do something about it. Suck it up, and figure it out.

Alternatively, kill yourself. No, really, because that's the choice you're facing. You either figure it out, or you die. I would sincerely rather die than live like that for the rest of my life, so if you're going to sit around and wait for shit to change, you're better off just eating a bullet.

You either overcome your problems or are overcome by them. Make your fucking choice.

nice post man!

It's the definition of a harsh reality.

I 100% support everything said in this post.

Harsh but true. Truth be told, what DOESN'T kill you makes you stronger. Even if it physically wounds you permanently, it still makes you tougher in general. I found out that I have a really battered and bruised body after I finally went to the doctor. The doctor was shocked how much pain I was shrugging off on a daily basis like nothing. Is it nothing? Hell no, but that's how we have to be otherwise we'll be left in the dust by the people that get life or are simply dealt better cards from birth.

Blowing off steam is all well and good, complaining is good too at moments. It's healthy to express things that annoy you. What isn't cool is acting like it's always someone else's fault. I know a certain someone that does this all the time. Now they are fleeing the state with a warrant for their arrest. It's a slippery slope, and people need to learn to overcome these things rather than simply blame others. It hurts to read or hear it, but it's true.

Though I do hope you can finish college though. Especially that close to the end. But honestly? That close to the end, I'm sure you don't even need your degree too much with an interview. You've got all the goods in your mind that people would want.

I support everything that was said in this post.

Augestein, on 08 January 2016 - 07:24 PM, said:

Speaking of, something I do want to mention here just so it's not taken the wrong way: physical impairments (by this I mean a literal physical disability like a bad back, etc) falls under an entirely different realm than what's discussed in the OP. I'm speaking strictly about the human psyche there.

Augestein, on 08 January 2016 - 07:24 PM, said:

The problem is getting the interview. But yeah, I do plan to finish it, but it's just not in the cards right now. If I end up taking out a lease on an apartment or house in this general area (I can't transfer my job for six months, so I'm kinda stuck), I'll just take them next Spring.

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I know. I know exactly what you meant. it's just that we'd been going so long getting passed problems that I actually was in physical pain and had ignored it for so long that I didn't actually feel it anymore. I'm getting the help I need now for it, and it's definitely not a weakness to stop for physical pain, it's just that sometimes... You can't. Even for that.

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Yeah, I understand. Happy hunting when you get the opportunity. It's going to be a trip regardless. As annoying as job interviewing is, I just looked at it as an excuse to get to learn more about the area. I went to so many different areas it was unreal.

Augestein, on 08 January 2016 - 08:03 PM, said:

Oh, that wasn't for you. I know you knew. I was just trying to preempt some potential misunderstanding by others.

Advent, on 08 January 2016 - 08:05 PM, said:

That would be me, I presume.

Stann, on 08 January 2016 - 08:21 PM, said:

You know me too well for that to be aimed towards you.

While I agree with the general message of this post, I felt the need to reply because it's not as constructive as you think it is. Psychological problems like these are not dictated by the environment, but in your case it (understandably) appears that way because a shit ton of painful external events were dumped on you. However, it should be clear that no matter how well you're off, you're always going to create a constant stream of these problems (just look at people who win the lottery). This mentality of solving by doing appears to be correct, but it also the strengthens the illusion of a moment in the future where you won't have to deal with these issues.

From my experience (and I myself have had my fair share of unfortunate events), the times when I had the most painful shit thrown at me from outside were much easier (but a hell lot more exhausting) to deal with than the times where nothing really happened and I didn't know what to do with myself. The more you strengthen the illusion of future peace by distracting yourself with solving problems, the more devastated you will be when you realize that this moment will never come.

You can't find a way out of this fundamental struggle by distracting yourself. The person your post was directed at does not have "legitimate" real life problems in the way you do, but they are of one and the same (internal) nature. A few years ago when I was depressed and suicidal because I didn't know how to deal with emptiness, I also developed symptoms of OCD. Now I realize that it was a way to cope with the immense boredom which was my life. By creating worries and suffering, I could at least replace the emptiness with something else.

People are essentially empty, and will always find something to worry about. There's no scale of problems which justifies looking down at others with contempt, just because they're not sucking it up. The scale is something you made up so you can satisfy yourself with the illusion that peace will come through distraction. It's a necessary mechanism which helps you to get through these rough times, but it's not very good advice. I think there are enough reasons for me to not sugar-coat these points.

Now, I'm not saying that we should all throw a pity party for the people in question. It's a fact that you have a choice here.

Statistically, suicide rates are the highest in the early spring to early summer, even though many people believe that they are the highest during the cold and dark winter months. The theory is that people suffering from depression believe it's due to stress from the holiday season, less sunlight, less opportunities to get outside and be active, etc. This leads to a sense of hope that things will be better during the warmer part of the year, and when it does come around and they see no change in their depression they lose all hope. (At least, that's how the theory goes. It's not very well understood (And even less so by yours truly.))

There is definitely a place for being proactive and trying to change your life for the better, but if your depression/anxiety/whatever isn't being caused by your environment, then quad's right.

quadpolar, on 08 January 2016 - 11:31 PM, said:

I wasn't intending for this to be all that constructive, honestly. My goal was to drop an atom bomb, and I think I succeeded.

quadpolar, on 08 January 2016 - 11:31 PM, said:

I see what you went through as slightly different, though.

I'm not saying anyone should just never be depressed and always suck it up at all. Hell no. We're only human, after all.

The problem is that the people I've seen with this mindset, the mindset hasn't been a temporary thing. It's been over multiple years. The problem with this mindset being prolonged is that you cease to move forward. If you're just going through a rough spot, that's fine, but it's just that -- a rough spot. You move past it.

I also heavily disagree with the notion that you can ever realize that such peace will never come, because you can never truly know that. Reality is very fickle, as it depends heavily on what we end up telling ourselves. You can be the fattest, most disgusting human being and if you spend every day telling yourself you're sexy and wonderful, your particular brand of reality is just that. Eventually, in your mind, it becomes true. Self-delusion is extraordinarily powerful, so why not make it worth for you instead of against you? And really, I'm not sure if "delusion" is the right word, since eventually it becomes true anyway. You are who you perceive yourself to be, so in that sense, it's not really an illusion.

I think it's good advice just because the prison of this mindset is created by the individual who has it. Constructively worded advice it is not, but something I've come to realize is that the people who sport this mentality gain little to nothing from me sitting here holding their hand and telling them how to overcome it step by step. They need the cold, hard truth smashed up against their skull.

quadpolar, on 08 January 2016 - 11:31 PM, said:

Agreed.

Great post, brother. You know I value your unique perspective in things like this, so thank you for offering it.

Sorry for the double post, but I kinda feel these need to be separate.

Stann, on 09 January 2016 - 12:11 AM, said:

I can almost give that to you, but my thing is, if your mind is what's causing you grief, then while that ultimately is what needs to be fixed, there's a point where focusing all of your energy on that is more detrimental than it is good, because it wears you out. Focusing your energy on something else like work can be a welcome breather from it.

Aside from that, I agree.

Edit: Also, stress is a funny thing. My psychology instructor told us once "if you had no stress whatsoever, you would die" and that seems to be literally true. We need a reason to move forward. Mine is my own happiness and the inherent value that I see myself to have (I don't want to waste it). I feel I have something to give the world. This reason is different for every person, but what matters is the reason itself.

You find it and move forward, or you don't and natural selection runs its course. It's that simple.

Seems relevant in case anyone decides they want to climb out of a hole: My favorite "Get Disciplined" post from reddit.

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We discussed this in chat, so I won't go over the personal details, because they don't contribute to the subject. I still argue that you should look into the reason why you feel the need to help-bash people.

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As I see it, this really is just a case of addiction to ideas. I can be an alcoholic and tell myself that I'm at peace, but as soon as I run out of alcohol there's suffering, as soon as I sober up there's suffering. If I tell myself every day that I'm happy and peaceful even though I'm not, eventually the day will come when I can't maintain that illusion anymore. Needles to say, wasting so much energy on this will tell me exactly how I'm not at all peaceful sooner or later. It's a question of whether to be aware of suffering or to be completely unconscious. If you're aware of suffering, there's potential for growth by personal insight. If you remain unconscious all the time, you might as well be dead, because you're not really living anymore. You'll be a slave to the outside world and waste your life without even knowing it. Some people can be completely unconscious all their life and still maintain a small degree of happiness, but that has more to do with luck and the right genetics (and a strong desire to remain in the illusion). Peace is supposed to be unshakable, in the way that no matter what happens, you're not negatively affected by it. You can't account for that in life. Someone at work will piss you off, your girlfriend might cheat on you, you get addicted to drugs etc etc. While I'm not competent enough to offer a definite solution to this problem, I don't believe there's no way out. People tell me that I'm always too pessimistic, but I try to look at the facts, even if they're unpleasant.

People will find excuses to confront this conflict: "I'll be happy once I find a girlfriend", "Just ten more years until I retire", "Once I finish school my life starts". It never helps.

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Focusing on work as a breather is also a way to help the mind. You're not going anywhere if you lose yourself in intellectual abstractions all day.

quadpolar, on 09 January 2016 - 08:58 AM, said:

I don't really have time to fully respond to this, since I have to go to work, but I will say that I'm not talking about suffering necessarily. There's a point where you just become actually delusional; the point I'm talking about where it helps is when you're just beating yourself up all the time emotionally for really no good reason.

Back from work.

quadpolar, on 09 January 2016 - 08:58 AM, said:

Because weakness infuriates me. Moving on.

quadpolar, on 09 January 2016 - 08:58 AM, said:

I see it more as just being a stubborn bastard who refuses to let fate have its way. When your brain tells you to quit, you say no, and you keep saying no. You keep denying it no matter how bad you want to just give up and die, and you move forward, inch by inch. Bite, kick, and claw for every scrap of ground you can gain, but don't stop.

Incidentally, I was listening to Spotify on my way to work and a song came on that fits perfectly with this thread.

The song is called "Now" by Fireflight.



Cheesy to use lyrics to get my point across, but it was too perfect to pass up.

quadpolar, on 09 January 2016 - 08:58 AM, said:

There's nothing wrong with being aware of it, but don't let it define who you are, which is what this mindset does to a lot of people.

I'm aware that I'm broken, but my pain does not define who I am. It just shows me where I've been, not where I'm going.

quadpolar, on 09 January 2016 - 08:58 AM, said:

See, I've started to adopt a rather cutthroat way of thinking to combat this.

Everyone in your life (everyone you know, everyone you meet, literally everyone) has a designation from 0-10. This determines their worth to you. Everyone you meet is a zero until you determine otherwise. They're worthless. What they think, what they do, etc should not affect you in the slightest. Unless it's your boss or something, but their status as your boss already gives them a designation.

I'll give an example. I go to see the new Star Wars movie. Because I prepared ahead of time, I have the pick of the litter as far as seating goes, and I have the best seat in the house. This old lady with like six little kids comes in and asks if me and my girlfriend can move over, so they can fit. At this point, the theatre is packed, so they'd have to have some pretty shit seats to all sit together. I look at her, laugh, and tell her no. We went out of our way to get here early, so why should we move to satisfy her?

"B-But Advent, that's an old lady with a bunch of little kids! Don't be a douchebag!"

No, screw off. She is nothing to me. We went out of our way to get there ahead of time. Why should we be inconvenienced because she didn't? She's a zero. She is no one. Same for each one of those kids.

You harden up, and learn to cut people out of your life when they have no right to be in it, in the case of the girlfriend example. It's like confidence -- you fake it till you make it.

quadpolar, on 09 January 2016 - 08:58 AM, said:

That's because you're just making excuses at that point -- you're not addressing the actual problem, and you're not distracting yourself from it either (in the case where you can't fix it right away).

quadpolar, on 09 January 2016 - 08:58 AM, said:

Eeyep.

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By being aware I don't mean accepting everything your mind tells you. If I tell myself that I'm ugly or not smart enough I basically have three choices. Accept it and keep feeling miserable, tell myself that I'm attractive and smart even though that goes against what I concluded, or stop giving a shit altogether. The former two options will always leave you in conflict and waste your energy. Now, you obviously can't just pretend to stop caring, because it's not that easy. You've identified yourself with these qualities for years, believing that's who you really are. The only way you can be free from these beliefs is to realize that you are not what your mind tells you. Go live in a cave for 10 years and it's easy to see. That's what I mean by people being fundamentally empty. The mind doesn't want to accept this because it wants to maintain this false identity, leaving you miserable. That's what I mean by being aware. Realizing this process completely so you can be completely certain of why you're fooling yourself. This isn't just something you think about in an abstract way, you have to practice it. Even if it takes thousands of hours. The mind is not the right tool for solving its own problems. Modern society wants you to believe that you can only solve these issues with drugs and the joke that is western psychotherapy. It's ridiculous.

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You're broken because you keep telling yourself this.

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Honestly, I would have done the same, because I'd feel like an asshole for demanding such a favor from a stranger.

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To a certain extent, I agree.

quadpolar, on 09 January 2016 - 11:23 PM, said:

I think we're saying more or less the same thing, just in different ways. What I'm saying and not giving a shit are fundamentally the same. When you say "I'm sexy af" it's really tongue-in-cheek. I mean not letting those imperfections define you and control your life.

quadpolar, on 09 January 2016 - 11:23 PM, said:

By broken I mean imperfect. I guess I kinda lost you for a minute there.