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Cross

Project Cross

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I just wanna store all my ideas for mechanics, world building and story for my SRPG here... I hope you guys can give some opinions and critiques.

Synopsis

Spoiler

It is the year 203X, thirty years since a wormhole opened near planet Terragloria and with it came strange energies and creatures that immediately infected the whole planet. The energies where beings of unimaginable power that somehow made mutations to the genetic makeup of the whole human race, mainly in their Mental Conditions, the outcome of this 'Experiment' of theirs are Oni (Ogres) -- grotesque creatures that feed on negative human emotion and manifested through Mental Ailments such as Severe Depression, Severe Anxiety, etc. Although not everyone can manifest these Oni's, those who do are easily targeted and outcast from society, some hide it very well...but will it last?

This story is of Hope and Healing, of outcasts and warriors who go against the norm of society's judgement. A story to find purpose and meaning to life for those who have lost it all.

To save the minority from persecution and death, our heroes must face the greatest enemy of all...themselves.

 

Edited by Cross
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I'm not that good of a writer... but I try.

Chapter 1

Spoiler

Chapter One: "War of Attrition"
Episode One
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The world of Terragloria; a place where magic and technology entwined, for the past 100 years the planet faced a World War in which every nation was battling for supremacy; people where dying left and right, families decimated, children orphaned, and most of all warlords killing the weak. One nation stood for peace among others -- namesake of the planet, the nation of Terra, with its king Lord Micean Markuth XII. He was righteous and just among all others, even more so than those of his predecessors, he waged war on the oppressive nations of Terragloria -- he conquered them all either with diplomacy or bloodshed or both. He was an unparalleled military strategist which gave him the edge in all of his battles. Even the largest nation of Nilboa that is double the size of Terra fell in just a year of diplomacy and fierce battles.
With the fall of Nilboa, other nations feared Terra and followed suit to surrender, in the final years of the war, peace was in sight -- until one day, on the year 2000 -- a wormhole opened that cracked space and time, within it came powerful entities the "Wisemen" and other unknown creatures. These entities would soon be known as the Seven Deadly Sins, for they embody each of the sins known to man. With the help of the Sins: the small nation of Gallen opposed Terra and conquered two other nations Filia and Postro, the Terran Allied forces managed to halt the advance of the Gallen Empire (renamed after they allied with the Seven Deadly Sins) up to the desert of Sharmash, this battle would soon be known as the Bloodrite in which twenty-percent of the worlds population was cut. Here they made a giant wall to confine the Empire, with that they achieved temporary peace by halting the Gallen Empire's advance onto the inner lands of the Alliance on the year 2005.


A year later...


Although they have stopped the Empire, even before that, the Alliance could not have foresaw the infection of mankind...due to the efforts of the Seven Deadly Sins -- these "Wisemen" even before landing, managed to successfully spread particles that let them modify the genetic makeup of humanity, to affect most of all the negative emotions of man. The experiment needed a couple of years to materialize, with it came what is to be called "Oni" monsters created from the mental issues of man: either thru depression, anxiety, etc. Oni's began to take form from people with depression at first, then to anxiety ridden, and so on. They began to rampage throughout the world spreading fear and death to mankind, thus began another war, a war of attrition, who will break first? Humans or the Oni? Either way: humans will break humans, unless...they find another way.
With the rise in population of infected humans, the government of the Alliance decreed that all mentally impaired or under suspicion must be put under heavy surveillance and must be detained or executed when an Oni materializes. King Markuth was against this though, he's foreseen that with this law the oppression of these people will only intensify and give rise to more radicals, he could not do anything about its passing to the Alliance congress -- all he could do was add a clause to it, stating: "All people under suspicion must be dealt with humanely and be jailed, tried, or given medicine unless otherwise." But this just became fuel for more radical groups that are unhappy with the King of Terra, Micean was not only fighting with the Oni threat he now has two fronts to battle: between infected and radicals, this would spread his forces thin enough to ensure security...with his forces spread like this, the Empire was just waiting for its chance -- accumulating more and more power as time goes by.
--------
Present day...

[still working on it]

 

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I see a lot of disparate elements - a future world of magic & technology, an all-powerful alien race, an Empire, an Alliance, an epidemic - it's too much, IMO. I'd suggest simplifying your idea to the bare essentials of what you want to convey. "Outcasts finding hope" is a good starting point. But going from there to this cornucopia of stuff that you've added... you'll get lost in your own creation. And not in a good way.

To be more specific, I believe the setting is needlessly complex and involved, and doesn't justify itself. Especially for the main idea (hope and healing), which is a simple and universal message. I'll be frank here, it's almost as if you're building a complex world just for the sake of it. What's worse, you run the risk of disappearing up your own arse very very rapidly. When it comes to storytelling, less is more, I say.

Considering this is just your 1st chapter, I can only imagine the following ones will complicate matters further. Not to be negative, but this will eventually lead to a point where you're asking yourself what you're doing, and why. So before you proceed with adding more (and more...), you should take a moment and rethink your material.

Bottomline, I suggest editing your idea to make it simpler. The core is good (outcasts, hope and despair, etc), so you have that in your favor. No need for byzantine plots and whatnot. The main characters, the main conflict - focus on those.

Hope this helps.

Edited by the_E_y_Es_o_0
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14 hours ago, the_E_y_Es_o_0 said:

I see a lot of disparate elements - a future world of magic & technology, an all-powerful alien race, an Empire, an Alliance, an epidemic - it's too much, IMO. I'd suggest simplifying your idea to the bare essentials of what you want to convey. "Outcasts finding hope" is a good starting point. But going from there to this cornucopia of stuff that you've added... you'll get lost in your own creation. And not in a good way.

To be more specific, I believe the setting is needlessly complex and involved, and doesn't justify itself. Especially for the main idea (hope and healing), which is a simple and universal message. I'll be frank here, it's almost as if you're building a complex world just for the sake of it. What's worse, you run the risk of disappearing up your own arse very very rapidly. When it comes to storytelling, less is more, I say.

Considering this is just your 1st chapter, I can only imagine the following ones will complicate matters further. Not to be negative, but this will eventually lead to a point where you're asking yourself what you're doing, and why. So before you proceed with adding more (and more...), you should take a moment and rethink your material.

Bottomline, I suggest editing your idea to make it simpler. The core is good (outcasts, hope and despair, etc), so you have that in your favor. No need for byzantine plots and whatnot. The main characters, the main conflict - focus on those.

Hope this helps.

Oh thank god! I've been looking for a critique for my story, for a good long while... yeah, I'll try to focus on the main things, the big bad's in the story is supposed to be the aliens anyway.

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